Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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