i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I don't deserve a penis
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
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