I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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