John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
