$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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