I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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