i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
