Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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