I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
