She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
