Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
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