I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Randomize
