i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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