I cannot find my penis.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
