we have pet lesbian snakes
Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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