There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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