They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
