i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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