I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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