I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
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