Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
