it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
