now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
