I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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