i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
