Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Holy sore nipples Batman
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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