I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Randomize
