Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
