I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
