What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
