My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
