i wish peter jackson would direct porn
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
