I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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