I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
