After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
