not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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