Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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