You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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