I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
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