shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
