I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
So many bounce houses so little time
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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