I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
