rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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