Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
