I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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