I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
