only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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