Dude my mom stole all your condoms
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Couch. On fire.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
