Life is so much better after having sex.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
