Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Randomize
