I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
